Equilibrium: MM Gay Shifter Romance (Kingdom of Night Book 3) Page 12

I struggled for breath as the circumstances of my rescue eluded me. "You're both dead," I gasped.

  Victor was in front of me in an instant, taking my face in his hands. "No one is dead, Remus. I'm here, we're both here."

  "Can't you calm him down?" Sebastian asked in a strained voice. His arms crushed even more of the breath from my lungs. "He's kind of superpowered right now."

  "I'm trying but I can't," Victor muttered, looking intently into my eyes. "He's transforming and he's hysterical. His mind has already partially made the shift."

  "Holy shit, now?"

  My spine cracked and I screamed in agony. At first, I thought it was from Sebastian's vice grip, but when my body jolted violently and my arm bent at an unnatural angle of its own accord, I realized otherwise.

  "You have to stop it," Sebastian said through gritted teeth. It was only then that I realized he was holding me because I was writhing and thrashing violently against him. "He can't transform like this, he'll --"

  "I know," Victor snarled.

  Someone pounded on the door seconds before it blew open. I stared at Ulric in a mixture of confusion and awe. "You can't be here," I choked. "You're dead, I killed you." I jolted again at the familiar sensation of ribs snapping. A moment later, blood streamed from my mouth.

  Ulric stood there, watching me in horror for a moment before something else caught his attention. "The shadow," he stammered, pointing at me like he had when he was dead. Unlike the dream, there was no hole in his forehead and his arm wasn't quite as stiff, but it was enough of a similarity that it terrified me even more than the fact that every bone in my body was twisting and breaking like some horrible plague.

  "Can't you stop it, Victor?" His voice was more than desperate. It was fearful.

  "I'm trying," he said, his voice strained as he pressed his hands against my temples in a vice grip of his own. "I can't reach the wolf. Whatever he woke up screaming about has it spooked and it's going to go on a rampage if I can't stop it."

  "The memories," Ulric said with renewed urgency. "The ones you took from him, put them back. The wolf is resisting you, but if you're replacing something that should be there in the first place it should let you in. It might jar him long enough to stop the shift."

  "It's worth a shot," said Sebastian.

  Victor hesitated.

  The words were important, I knew that much, but I was struggling to process anything but the mind-numbing pain and the chant that still echoed faintly in my ears with the rush of my pulse. My spine folded sharply and I took in a lungful of my own blood.

  "Now," Ulric bellowed.

  Victor's hands gripped my head even tighter and he held my gaze with great force. Through his hands, I could see the faintest shroud of red and silver mingled together like a trillion tiny particles that had formed an oscillating shadow. The beauty of the strange shadow lasted only a moment before each infinitesimally small particle began gnawing at my flesh.

  I let out a hoarse cry as Sebastian rocked me in his arms and Ulric stroked my hair. I wanted to scream at them to flee the shadow, but my mind was still torn between worlds. It was still a tossup as to which was the nightmare and which was reality.

  Worst of all was the pressure building in my mind. The more I tried to resist, the more the alien force pushed back against me. My femur cracked and I lost the will to resist at all. I crumpled in Sebastian's arms and gave myself over to the shadow as he whispered that everything was going to be okay.

  Images filtered into my mind, assaulting me with emotions and experiences I didn't have the strength or the mental clarity to process. As the mental torment grew, the carnivorous shadow began to recede. Victor's gaze held me, my only tether to consciousness. No matter how weakened I became, I knew he wouldn't let me slip away. It was only when the last of the memories had been returned to their proper place that I remembered why. Along with so many other things, it clicked back into place like the final pieces of a puzzle.

  I finally realized that this was reality and that the grasping hands and corpses of the people I loved belonged to the dream world, but how long would it remain that way? The shadow had been all too real. It was the same one I had seen envelop Victor and Sebastian and the other Wolves on so many other occasions. Now it had come for me.

  No, the wolf had come to save me. I was the one who had called to it. Not for salvation, but for revenge against the Patriarch. In the dream, I had known clearly that he was the one who killed my loved ones even if I was the one to blame. I remembered now. "Such a simple sacrifice," I murmured, my own voice sounding hollow as I stared up at the ceiling. "One life for so many, it just makes sense."

  "What's he talking about?" Sebastian asked worriedly.

  "He's delirious," Victor said, raking a hand through his sweat-drenched hair. "The transformation has stopped for now."

  "You did good," said Ulric. "He wouldn't have survived that."

  "If he had, I'm not sure anyone in town would have," said Victor. "You saw his shadow and what it did to him. Even for the first shift, that was vicious. We were foolish to think the hybrid's beastform would be the same as ours."

  "What are you suggesting?" asked Ulric.

  Victor looked down at me with grave concern. "The same thing you're thinking. If that thing gets out, it'll kill him."

  "Whoa," said Sebastian, holding me protectively against his chest. I braced myself for the impact on my broken bones, but it was as if they had all been mended instantly when the transformation stopped. If only my mind could be as quick to recover. "You're talking about his wolf like it's some monster, like it's not part of him."

  "I don't like this any more than you do," said Victor, "but you saw what it did to him. You think he can survive the transformation or live with what he does as a result of it?"

  "We already tried it your way. Fucking with his mind only made things worse," Sebastian growled. "Hell, that's probably why his first shift got all fucked up to begin with."

  "Enough," Ulric barked. "No one is suppressing anything until he's with it enough to properly evaluate him. First and foremost, we need to get to the temple and figure out what all this hybrid nonsense is about and how it's affecting him. Sebastian, I want you with Arthur at all times until we're sure the Patriarch isn't somehow behind all this."

  Sebastian reluctantly transferred me into Ulric's waiting arms. I curled up against the older Wolf's chest, breathing in his comforting scent as my fingers clutched weakly at his shirt.

  "What do you need me to do?" asked Victor.

  "First, I'd like to know why you were all sharing a bed."

  "It was Remus' idea," he admitted. "He said it would help him feel safer. I just thought he was disturbed after his confrontation with the Patriarch, but now I have to wonder if he sensed something was about to happen."

  "His intuition is becoming uncannier the closer he gets to shifting," Ulric muttered. "For now, we can't assume anything is a coincidence."

  "You think the intuition is attached to his wolf side?" Victor asked doubtfully. "That's a bit counterintuitive."

  "Stranger things have happened," said Ulric. "I think it's best if all three of you stay behind tomorrow just in case we have any more wolves scratching at the door."

  "No," I said weakly. They both looked at me like they were shocked I was lucid. "I'm going."

  Ulric smiled mildly. "Well, I suppose it's a good sign if you're up to defying me already."

  "The wolf isn't evil," I said, straining to look at Victor. "It was scared because I was scared. It's me."

  "We'll talk about this in the morning, love."

  "Why, so you can erase my memories again until you get the results you want?" I asked bitterly.

  "Alright," said Ulric. "It's been one hell of a night. Victor, you take the couch. I'll stay in here with Remus."

  Victor looked like he wanted to argue but decided against it and left the room without a word. Ulric placed me back in bed and told me to wait--like I was capable of going anywhere--while h
e left the room for a minute. He returned with two cups of water and offered one to me. I drank it all, gasping for breath as I finished.

  He dipped a washcloth in the other cup and began cleaning the blood off my face and neck. "You scared the hell out of me for a moment there, boy." He squeezed the rag out and gently wiped the blood away from my cheek where the shadow had sunk its teeth into me. The wound had healed, but my flesh was still tender.

  I couldn't bring myself to look away from Ulric, afraid he might disappear if I did. Everyone had died in that awful dream, but his death had been unique and it didn't sit well with me. "Is it always like that when a wolf transforms?"

  "Hardly. Some have it worse than others. The shadow, as we like to call it, is a manifestation of your primal soul. The first time is always rough, but the more at peace you are with your beast nature, the easier shifting becomes."

  "But I am at peace," I insisted. "The wolf and I made amends when Sarah unified my consciousness."

  "That may be true, but yours isn't a normal beast," he said carefully. "Who knows how your two halves are interacting now that they're whole?"

  "You can't let Victor suppress my wolf again," I said urgently. "Please. It's not just part of me, it is me."

  He watched me for a moment, nodding. "I'll do whatever it takes to protect you, Remus. All of you."

  I felt the corners of my mouth twitch and tried to cover it as a reaction to his cleanup efforts. He froze and looked intently at me as the first tear slipped down my cheek. There was no fooling him. "What's wrong?"

  "Nothing."

  He tilted my chin up until I had no choice but to look at him. His eyes were warm and full of patience. "Come now. Let's have it."

  I sighed. "Just something you said made me realize why I haven't been able to choose between Victor and Sebastian."

  "Oh?" he asked hopefully. "And why is that?"

  "They both love me; I know that now. It's just that I used to think Sebastian was the only one who loved part of me more than the rest. Tonight I realized that Victor is the same way, only it's my vampire half that he's drawn to instead of my wolf. How do you choose between two people who can only fully love half of you?"

  "That I can't answer," Ulric murmured, tossing the bloody cloth in the trash. "I can tell you that it takes most people a lifetime to truly love all of a person, whether they've got one soul or two. Even then, there's always something new left to discover. Depending on your perspective, those new discoveries can either be a disappointment or an adventure."

  His words gave me hope that maybe it wasn't a lost cause, but they didn't make my impending choice seem any less painful. "Well, I guess at least there's one man who loves all of me."

  "Who's that?" he asked, frowning.

  I managed a tired smile. "He's not too quick on the uptake, though."

  Recognition swept across his features and he turned a bit red. "Yes, well, unconditional love comes a bit easier for a parent. As much as I'd be happy to sit around and wait until those whelps in there get it right, these old bones will rest a lot easier knowing that if something happens to me, you're taken care of."

  "I know you can't decide for me, but who would you choose if you could?" I asked, pulling my knees to my chest. "Purely off the record."

  "Speaking solely as a father and not an alpha?"

  "Yeah."

  He hesitated. "Are you sure you really want to know?"

  I nodded.

  "Alright, then. Sebastian."

  "Sebastian?" I knew I had failed at concealing my shock as soon as his name was out of my mouth. "But you said yourself you were relieved when Victor's mark showed up."

  "Relieved he'd be taking over as alpha, yes," he clarified. "Victor is like a carbon copy of my younger self. We think alike, and I know he'd look after the pack and care for you as I would."

  "Then why would you have me pick Sebastian?"

  "Unconditional love, remember?" He gave my hand a gentle pat. "I want you to have what you need, not what I need. Sebastian did something no one else in this pack has done as long as I've been around. He stood toe to toe with me and challenged me on your behalf. The boy may be a thorn in my side and he has been ever since he was young, but he protects what he loves with a ferocity like none I've ever seen. If I were to die tomorrow --"

  "Dad, please."

  He gave me a look. "We can't be unrealistic about our circumstances, Remus. If something were to happen to me, I know they'd both take care of you. In my book, no one is ever going to be truly worthy of the job, but Sebastian? He'll protect your heart as well as your life, and that's all a father could ask for."

  I swallowed the lump in my throat as I listened. "Thank you."

  "Anytime. Come on, climb in," he said, holding back the covers. I slid underneath them and relaxed when he pulled up a chair beside the bed. "Now, what's got you taking this seriously all of a sudden?"

  I thought about whether to tell him about the dream, about the Patriarch's warning, but decided against it. Maybe the dream was a warning in itself. If there was even a chance the moon did have sinister plans for me, surely tipping my loved ones off was the fastest way to incur her wrath.

  "I guess the gravity of the situation is finally setting in." At least that much was true.

  He pulled the covers over me and leaned in to place a light kiss on my bandaged forehead before putting out the light and resuming his post in his chair. "Well, the best thing you can do now is to get some rest before we head to the temple. Tomorrow is going to be a big day for everyone."

  "You don't have to stay in here. I'll be fine with you on the couch." Sebastian and Victor were the ones I needed close to feel safe, but just knowing that Ulric was nearby was somehow enough.

  "This isn't for your peace of mind as much as it is mine," he admitted, folding his hands in his lap as he closed his eyes and settled in.

  I rolled over and tried to find a comfortable position, but my body was as restless as my mind. I could still feel the ghastly tingling of those shadow particles grinding away at my flesh even though it had long since healed.

  "'The moon's in the sky and her gentle light seeps through the leaves in the trees, to the wolves and the sheep,'" Ulric murmured drowsily, keeping a steady meter. "'Time to close your eyes, ye little children of night, for our mother keeps watch till the dawning of the light.'"

  I yawned. "Nursery rhymes for the things that go bump in the night? I think I'm a little old."

  "Can't hurt," he said with a quiet chuckle.

  It worked on him, at least. Moments later, his breathing settled into the shallow rhythm of sleep. I, on the other hand, lay awake for hours.

  The idea of the moon keeping watch over me had long since ceased to be any comfort.

  Chapter 11

  REMUS

  The next morning, the entire caravan minus Sarah was on the road. I had tried calling her a few times, but she never answered. Finally, I left a voicemail with a brief apology asking her to give me a call when she got the message. It would have to do for the time being.

  Sebastian was leading the pack in Ulric's SUV since he had been to the sanctuary more times than anyone. Hunter, Foster, Clara and Jason were with him, a combination of passengers I was sure made for an interesting ride--especially since Foster had been actively avoiding Hunter ever since his election to the priesthood.

  I felt bad for the poor kid. He'd devoted most of his life to the moon only to have her choose some newcomer over him. A newcomer who wasn't even a true believer, at that. I couldn't imagine what that kind of rejection must feel like, and it wasn't doing anything to quell my doubts about the Great Lady's ladylike disposition.

  Brendan's Mustang was right behind the SUV. He was driving Maverick, of course, which had to be strange for the both of them. Mav had a way of separating the Brendan who looked after him from the Brendan who had killed his master. Maybe Victor was right and that dissonance was something that would change after the ceremony. Either way, I would have ra
ther been in the car with them than riding alone with Victor at the back of the procession.

  We were already an hour and a half into the drive and not a word had been uttered between us. After the revelation of the night before, I wasn't sure what to say. It was a strange thing to have old memories restored on top of new ones that had formed when I was, for all intents and purposes, a different person.

  "You have every right to hate me," he began, jolting me out of my thoughts. "Can you just tell me if you do so I can stop driving myself insane wondering?"

  "You're no stranger to taking what you want from my mind," I said, absently tapping my nails on the door handle. "I'm sure you can get the answer on your own."

  "Okay, I deserved that."

  "Oh, yeah. You deserve a hell of a lot more than that," I agreed. "But today isn't about us, it's about giving Maverick what he needs, so I'm willing to put everything aside if you are."

  "I understand."

  Victor had a way of sounding like a kicked puppy even though I knew the truth was that he was a snarling beast inside. "I could never hate you. You should know that by now. In fact, I still love you as much as I ever did, so it looks like your little experiment didn't work."

  "I wasn't trying to make you stop loving me," he said miserably. "I just wanted to give you the chance to explore your feelings for Sebastian without guilt."

  "I'm the sum of my experiences, Victor. Like it or not, the guilt is part of that. Once you start choosing which bits and pieces of my life are worth saving and which ones you can just throw away, it isn't really me anymore," I said pointedly, hoping he would get the hint about the wolf. "Not entirely."

  He kept his eyes on Brendan's car up ahead. "I know that what I did was wrong, but I can't say it was a mistake. It worked, in a sense. You still have feelings for Sebastian and you never would have admitted that before."

  My nails dug into the leather upholstery on the door handle as I struggled to keep my temper in check. I was terrified that any intense emotion would trigger another shift and obviously so were the others or I wouldn't have been riding alone with the resident psychic.