Equilibrium: MM Gay Shifter Romance (Kingdom of Night Book 3) Read online

  "That's beside the point. Of course I fell in love with him again, you gave me a blank slate."

  "Exactly."

  A growl escaped my throat. "That's not how the real world works, Victor. Context matters, memories matter. It was a shitty thing to do to me, but an unforgivable thing to do to your brother."

  "You and I both know you wouldn't have given him a chance even if he is the one," he murmured. "And I didn't brainwash you into falling in love with him. All I did was remove your sense of obligation to me. All the anger and betrayal you felt when he left and after his reaction to your vampire nature, I left that all untouched. Everything you felt for Sebastian during that time came from you alone."

  His words filled me with another kind of terror that had been building for a while, even before my memories of Victor had been returned.

  "And now?" he pressed. "Be honest. Do you still love him?"

  "Yes," I said quietly after a long moment of silence. "I don't think I ever stopped."

  He fell silent and the heaviness of my confession hung over us long after I had stopped speaking.

  "Well, now I know. So," he said, taking a slightly shaky breath. "Which one of us is it going to be?"

  "I don't know," I admitted. The words scratched my throat on their way out. "Ulric is hoping Alex can help me consult the moon and that she'll be able to tell me who to pick, but I can't imagine life without either of you. All I want is for things to stay the way they've been, with the three of us together. With you and Sebastian finally acting like brothers rather than enemies."

  "That's a fantasy none of us have the luxury of indulging," he scolded. "You have to make a choice."

  I looked down at my hands in my lap. "I know that."

  "Surely you must have some idea, some innate knowledge you're suppressing," he persisted. "It's becoming clear that your wolf gift is intuition. It just isn't possible that you have no idea."

  "Well, I don't."

  "Dammit, Remus!" he yelled, slamming his fist on the steering wheel.

  His outburst made me jump and my eyes began to water. "I'm telling you the truth, I don't know."

  "Who would it be if you had to choose now?" he demanded. "If our lives depended on it, and they do."

  "Victor, please --"

  "Just have the courage to fucking say it!" he snarled.

  "I can't," I cried, my voice choked with grief. "I can't. Before, it would have been you. After what you did, without my memories of our relationship, it would have been Sebastian."

  "And now?"

  "Now I don't know. I feel like I'm even further away from making a decision than before," I admitted. "It's not just that I can't choose between you, it's that I feel like my heart is going to rip in two if I choose at all. Sebastian is the obvious choice, the logical choice, but no matter how much you hurt me, no matter how wrong you are for me, I just can't give up on you."

  Victor raked a hand through his hair and backed off for the moment. He let out a slow, exasperated sigh and turned his focus back to the road. "Great," he muttered. "Just great."

  "I'm sorry," I gasped, wiping my tears. "I want to choose. I hate that I'm doing this to both of you, but I can't make my heart feel something it doesn't."

  "Then if this doesn't work, if the temple provides no answers, you're going to have to force it," he murmured. "I've been thinking of a plan since last night. A last ditch effort if you haven't reached a decision by the hunter's moon."

  His words scared me, but the promise of a solution was too much to resist. "Yes?"

  He glanced down at me. "First, I need to know if you're willing to sacrifice your happiness to protect the pack. To protect our family. If the hunter's moon passes and the wolves aren't in possession of the hybrid's power there is no hope, regardless of what the others think."

  I swallowed hard. "You've changed. You know something you didn't before." I could feel it all of a sudden. It was a burden weighing him down. "What is it?"

  He smiled bitterly. "What did I say about that intuition?"

  "Victor, please. Just tell me."

  "I saw more in Arthur's mind than I let on," he admitted. "Just before the Patriarch gave me the boot, I caught a glimpse inside of his mind. I think it was some kind of glitch, but it was enough to see something intriguing. The hybrid isn't what any of us have been led to believe."

  His words filled me with dread. Did he know about the moon's plans to sacrifice me? Surely he wouldn't be so eager for me to become the hybrid then.

  "It--I mean, you aren't the key to the Patriarch's destruction," he continued. "If that were true, he would have killed you a long time ago. Prentice had access to you long before we did, after all."

  "If he doesn't want to kill me, then what does he want?" I asked warily.

  "I don't know exactly," he murmured. "I do know that you're tied to the moon. He seems to think you're somehow a weak spot for her."

  "So what was your plan?" I asked, hoping to lead him away from the topic. "You asked me if I was willing to sacrifice my happiness to protect the others. Of course the answer is yes, but how?"

  "Hopefully it won't come to that. I just needed to know what your answer would be in case it does."

  "That's as much of an answer as I'm getting, isn't it?"

  "You really are psychic."

  "Very funny."

  Soon enough, we pulled up to the sanctuary and the feeling of dread intensified. It was a perfectly clear, sunny day. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and yet there was an invisible, ominous cloud hanging over the sanctuary and the forests surrounding it. From the moment Victor helped me out of the car, the feeling that we were being watched was inescapable.

  "You alright?" he asked warily. "I'm sorry for losing my temper earlier."

  I shook my head. "It's not that. I'm fine, something just feels...off."

  I stopped walking as the others filed into the sanctuary. Birds chirped happily in the trees and the wind rustled pleasantly. Every now and then it would whisper something in my ear that I couldn't quite make out.

  "You go ahead, make sure Maverick is okay," I said when he turned back to see why I had stopped.

  He gave me a strange look. "I'd rather not leave you --"

  "I lied earlier, okay?" I snapped. "It is you, and I just need a moment to compose myself before I go in there."

  He flinched, but my words had their intended effect. He noticed Sebastian lingering on the other side of the lot at the same time as I did and frowned. "Alright," he said guardedly, turning to go inside.

  I felt a twinge of guilt, but if I was right and there really was something watching me, I wanted Victor as far away from it as possible. This wasn't a hunter, though. Whoever or whatever was watching me, I had never felt anything like it before. I wasn't even sure how or what I was feeling, but it was making every hair on my body stand on end.

  I walked around the building towards the gate. Unlike before, the pack was nowhere to be seen. At that moment, I realized what was off. There was no barking or chuffing, which was strange considering the pack's reaction the last time I had gotten close to the gate. I grabbed the wires of the gate and hoisted myself up, struggling to wedge the toe of my boot into one of the holes.

  When broad hands grabbed my waist from behind I gasped in surprise and fell into the arms that had grabbed me. "Easy there, pup. You trying to become dog food?"

  I turned around to see Sebastian wearing a worried expression that didn't match his joking tone. "You noticed the silence, too, didn't you? That's why you came back out here."

  He nodded in affirmation and peered over the fence. "The pack should be all riled up by now, especially with you this close. The temple is deserted inside, too."

  "All three of them are gone?" I asked in disbelief. "Even Alex?"

  "His room is empty," said Sebastian, reaching for the padlock on the fence. He took it in hand and stripped it from the gate with one quick jerk, pushing the gate open. He put his hand out and walked in ahead of me. "This
is the one time 'flower wolves first' doesn't apply."

  I rolled my eyes and followed him through, pulling the gate shut again just in case the wolves were out. The yard was completely empty, but I heard a faint chuffing sound coming from the direction of one of the pens.

  "Stay put," Sebastian ordered. He disappeared into one of the enclosures and came out a moment later. "They're fine," he said, looking equal parts confused and relieved. "They're never still in their enclosures at this time, though, not on a day like this. Something is wrong."

  The wind picked up again and so did the faint whispering. I covered my ears. "Where are they?"

  "I don't know," he murmured, picking up his cell phone. "I'm gonna try calling Billy again."

  A moment later, he shook his head and hung up. "Nothing."

  "Try Val," I suggested.

  He did, and the faint sound of ringing echoed around us. I glanced at Sebastian to see if he was hearing it, too, and he was. It sounded like it was coming from above...

  We both saw her at the same time. Val was perched precariously on the rooftop, her arm dangling over the ledge. "Val!" Sebastian cried, clearing the rooftop like it was nothing. He gathered the petite woman into his arms and she stirred slightly. All the commotion caused an amber bottle to roll off the roof and hit the grass. There was a whole pile of empty bottles on the rooftop.

  "She's okay, she's just passed out," he muttered, shaking her gently.

  "Should I call an ambulance?"

  He hesitated. "No, she isn't hurt. She's just...drunk."

  "That doesn't seem like her."

  "It's not. Val hasn't had a drink in twenty years," he said confidently, adjusting her in his arms before he dropped off the roof.

  "Where are the others?" I asked, wandering over to the rooftop. Some of the shingles were lighter than the others like they'd been bleached and scrubbed furiously.

  "That's what I'd like to know. Come on, I need to get her inside."

  "Is it okay if I stay in the yard for a minute?"

  He looked at me warily. "You know I can't trust you."

  "Today you can," I said, looking him in the eye. "I promise. Go take care of Val, I'll be right in."

  He nodded reluctantly and disappeared through the gate. I turned around and found myself drawn back to the rooftop. Grabbing the ledge, I hoisted myself up with only minor difficulty. My black dress shoes weren't exactly built for the job.

  Once I was there, I picked up one of the empty bottles and sat where Val had been. I looked over at the bleached shingles and that dreadful feeling came back again so I pulled the hood of my jacket over my head both for comfort and practicality. The sun was barley a nuisance ever since I had become as much wolf as vampire but on a rare cloudless day like this it was still an irritation. I closed my eyes and listened, but the whispers didn't return.

  A sharp cracking sound from beside me startled me so badly I nearly fell off the roof. When I turned around, Alex was there in his dark blue robe, his Adam's apple bobbing as he gulped down one of Val's unopened beers. With a satisfied sigh, he tossed the empty container off the roof and wiped his mouth with the back of his fine silk robe.

  "I have no idea why I spent so long pretending to prefer wine over beer," he mused. "What a waste."

  "Where have you been?" I asked, turning towards him. There was something about his demeanor that was a worrying reminder of the way he'd been in the dream, but at least he was here.

  His head tilted oddly as if he had only just noticed me. "You're hard to get ahold of, you know."

  I struggled to make sense of the comment for a moment. "The whispers," I realized aloud. "That was you?"

  "Had to get your attention somehow without alerting your security detail," he said with a snort. "I see why she chose them. They really do stick to you."

  "Chose them?" I frowned. "Who are you talking about?"

  "Selene. The personification of the big hunk of cheese in the sky? Come now. Don't be so dense. I know you're awakening is accelerated the closer we get to the harvest moon. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be able to see me." He leaned in closer. "Believe it or not, the dream was harder to pull off than this apparition."

  I felt the color drain from my face and Alex's smile was proof that he had noticed. "You're dead, aren't you?"

  Instead of answering my question, he gave me a judgmental once-over. "You, in a suit? Interesting choice." His grimace chased away any doubt that he meant it was a bad one.

  I looked down at my formal black ensemble, feeling even less comfortable in it now that Alex had brought it up. "Thanks for the fashion critique, but stop deflecting. How did you die?"

  He turned his head to reveal the matted hair plastered to the back of his head with his own blood. "Number twenty-two, right down the hatch."

  "Why?" I asked, horrified. Suddenly Val's stupor and Billy's absence made a little more sense. "I just saw you a week ago."

  "I know, and I'm terribly sorry I couldn't stick around to preside over your friend's," he hesitated, waving his hand around before he finished with, "funeral thingy. The thing is, if I didn't pull the trigger while I had the guts, I wasn't sure if I'd get the chance to before the hunter's moon. In any case, it'll be a good initiation for Hunter. Priestly duties and all that."

  "The hunter's moon? I thought it was the harvest moon you were trying to prepare me for."

  "Oh, it was. But if the harvest moon goes as disastrously as it's on track to, the hunter's moon after it is going to be the real show," he said in a strangely dark tone.

  "I don't understand. If you wanted out so badly, why come back? Why appear to me and not to Val or Billy?"

  "I've hurt them both enough," he said quietly, losing the sarcastic tone I had come to think was part of him. "They wouldn't want to see me. As for you, I felt it was only right that I warned you. Now that I'm no longer in her service, it's not a breach of my contractual obligations."

  "Warn me about what, the moon's plans to sacrifice me?"

  He stared at me in dismay. "How did you know about that?"

  "I didn't," I sighed. "At least, I wasn't sure until now. The Patriarch possessed my friend and heavily implied as much."

  "If he's possessing forms other than his primary vessel, that isn't good." He frowned. "Was it a human?"

  "Well, he has possessed humans," I said. "In this case, it was my friend, Arthur. He's a hunter but he hasn't gone through transition yet."

  "Arthur?" His eyes took on a dark tint of recognition. "Where is he now?"

  "At the Lodge," I said warily. "He's helping us, but he needs protection from his family. It's the only place where they can't get to him."

  "And the Patriarch is looking for the boy?" he asked earnestly.

  "Well, his vessel is. He's Arthur's cousin," I explained. "The Patriarch said he was only keeping Arthur alive because he's important to Prentice."

  "Good," he said, breathing a notably lifelike sigh of relief. "That's good."

  "Why? What does Arthur have to do with this that we don't already know?"

  He shook his head. "I couldn't tell you that, not even if I wanted to. The Patriarch and the moon, they're forces of the cosmos. Now that I'm dead, I'm as beholden to one as I am to the other. There are certain things that I can't tell you because it would violate the rules, things that I may have been able to inform you of while I was still alive," he said very slowly.

  I nodded faintly, just in case any forces of the cosmos were listening. "Right. Good to know. Surely there must be something you can tell me or you wouldn't have come."

  "There is," he said, leaning in. I realized only then that I couldn't smell his blood even though the back of his head and his robe were covered in it. At least now the bleached shingles made sense. "The time has come for you to make your decision."

  "I've tried, but I can't," I murmured. "Whenever I think I've made a decision, something happens and I end up right back at the beginning."

  "Listen to me. I spent thirty years in the m
oon's service. While the Patriarch abhors choice for his own reasons, the Great Lady is obsessed with it. Do you know why the Patriarch banished the Kingdom of Night in the first place?" he asked.

  I shook my head slowly.

  "It wasn't because he was a cruel, unjust tyrant, at least not at first. It was because the moon let her imagination run away from her. While the Patriarch created only one race in the beginning, his beloved mankind, Selene created weres of all kinds--vampires, ghouls and a whole host of other things. Do you want to know why you don't see the others running around?"

  I nodded.

  "Because Mother Nature took them. She saw that the moon had overpopulated her fields with ghastly creatures that dishonored the balance of nature, and so she put an end to it by removing their corporeal existence. Their souls hover in a netherworld prison, condemned to float along our planes of existence without ever really being in a single one."

  "But why did she leave the wolves and the vampires?"

  "Because merciful Gaia saw that Selene loved them more than her other children and they were by far the least destructive, so she had mercy upon her and spared them," he said quietly. "It was only temporary, of course. The moon was given a set date at which she had to come to a decision between her two remaining children. Only one of them could remain on the earth alongside the humans."

  "And what would happen to the other?"

  "The other would be doomed to walk the same ethereal plane, the aether, just as the moon's other blasphemous creations have for untold centuries. Of course, when the Patriarch saw this act of favoritism, he felt justified in creating a second species of his own children."

  "The hunters," I breathed.

  "Yes. The undead. Do you know why he created the hunters, Remus?"

  "To bring the moon the same anguish her children brought him," I murmured. "To avenge his beloved son, the prince."

  He chuckled. "That's our version. As always, the vampires are closer to the truth," he said. I shivered at the accuracy with which he echoed the Patriarch's words. "Their version says that the hunters were originally created to serve as vessels for the Patriarch to allow him to conduct his affairs in mortal form. The chief among those affairs was not actually avenging the prince but finding him. He hoped that, as all creatures do, his beloved prince would reincarnate and they would be able to reunite on the mortal plane. For centuries, he chose an avatar from his line, a leader whose will remained intact even as he carried out the Patriarch's will as his own."